Secret Rendezvous 密会

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2021

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In 2020, existence itself slipped into an in-between state. The liminal catastrophe of COVID-19 confined bodies to rooms while amplifying political uncertainty and transitional unrest across the globe. Having grown up between a multicultural immigrant city and an international school, I was already familiar with communities for whom liminality was not an exception, but a long-term condition.

At some point, however, my inner structure began to fracture. When an astrologer suggested that my fear of intimacy might stem not from a lack of love, but from a fear of losing the borders of the self, something shifted. The threat was no longer external. It was internal, structural.

In response, I initiated a correspondence with “Jonathan,” a fictional artist I constructed online. He emerged as a broken, symbolic, and politicized proxy through which I could move. Through his presence, I entered the interstitial zones of the internet—spaces where art and intimacy blur into labor, where visibility slides into performance, and where digital reproduction unsettles the idea of a coherent self. I built a website as Jonathan’s unstable tower: part letter, part case study, part visual archive, drawing loosely from the existential landscapes of Kobo Abe.

Confined to my room, I began to understand art-making as a confrontation with fear rather than its resolution. Jonathan gradually became a vessel not only for me, but for others: an estranged Taiwanese lover, activists in Berlin posting manifestos, anonymous users sharing black squares, visitors moving silently through the site. Jonathan is not a singular figure, but a collective one—fractal, unstable, like grass trembling in a field of wind, continually reshaped by the attention that passes through him.

2020 年，我们的存在被推入一种悬置的状态。新冠疫情作为一场边缘性的灾难，将身体封闭在室内，同时放大了全球范围内的政治不确定、结构转型与持续动荡。成长于移民城市与国际学校之间，我并不陌生那些将“中间状态”视为日常的人群——对他们而言，边界从来不是短暂的过渡。

但在某个时刻，我的内在结构开始松动。一位占星师告诉我，我对亲密的恐惧或许并非源于缺乏爱，而是源于害怕在关系中失去自我边界。那一刻我意识到，真正的威胁并不来自外部，而是内在的、结构性的。

作为回应，我在网络上虚构了一位名为“乔纳森”的艺术家，与他展开持续的对话。他成为一个破碎的、象征性的、政治化的替身，使我得以在其中移动。通过他的存在，我进入互联网的间隙地带：在那里，艺术与情感纠缠为劳动，可见性滑向表演，数字复制不断动摇“自我”的完整性。我以“乔纳森”为名搭建了一个网站——一座不稳定的塔，介于书信、案例与影像档案之间，松散地呼应着安部公房式的存在主义景观。

在被困于房间的时间里，我逐渐理解到，艺术创作并不是消解恐惧，而是与恐惧正面相遇。“乔纳森”也不再只属于我：他同时承载着一段疏远的台籍恋情、柏林街头张贴宣言的行动者、在 Instagram 上发布黑色方块的匿名用户，以及那些沉默浏览网站的人们。他是一个共构的形体——分形的、不稳定的，如同风场中的草，在他者的注视中不断被塑造、再塑造。

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